Like many of you, I use this time of year to reflect on important issues. So I’m going to fall back on an old trick and present New Year’s Resolutions for Other People, the 2022 Edition!
As I often say, telling everyone else what they need to change is a lot more fun than taking a cold, hard, long look at my life… so here goes:
Resolution No. 1: Phoenix City Councilman Carlos Garcia and the rest of the Defund the Police/Abolish ICE crowd should admit the truth: What they really want is to experience the thrill of living in one of those Purge movies.
Resolution No. 2: Hard-left Democrats should drop their bathroom-storming, wedding-protesting tactics on Senator Kyrsten Sinema – which haven’t made her budge an inch from her moderate stances – and give up on trying to make Arizona a socialist utopia. My suggestion: Move to an art colony in New Mexico — where 70-somethings with ponytails should live.
Resolution No. 3: Houses in the Valley need to work on being more affordable. I realize it isn’t their fault that relocating Californians are fawning all over them, but when a doublewide for less than
$1 million looks like a bargain, something has to change.
Resolution No. 4: With no official place to play their 2022-2023 season, the Arizona Coyotes should attempt to change NHL rules so that games in Arizona can be played on roller skates. That way, Great Skate in Glendale can be added to their future arena options (at least when the rink’s not hosting birthday parties).
Resolution No. 5: Arizona Republican Party chair Kelli Ward needs to go beyond making a resolution and take a solemn oath to not ask for an audit of the audit of the audit.
Resolution No. 6: Conservatives need to stop patronizing anti-vaxxers and tell them it’s not smarter to risk contracting COVID thinking they’ll be able to treat it with unproven animal meds than taking a chance on a vaccine that several billion people have already safely tested for them.
Resolution No. 7: Mark Curtis, Katie Raml, Brandon Lee and other TV news people need to promise that they won’t follow Kari Lake – once a smart, capable anchor, now a conspiracy theory cheerleader – into politics.
Resolution No. 8: My editor needs to forget all about this column so I can recycle this idea again next year and honor the only resolution I’ve managed to keep in my life: to never become a great writer.