My favorite commercial of the past year has to be from Match. In it, a vaguely lovable Satan receives a notification on the dating app of a possible match. A little later, as Lucifer meets the girl in a park, he shyly asks, “Are you Two-Zero Two-Zero?”
“Just call me 2020,” she replies – and love blooms as they steal toilet paper and take a romantic selfie in front of a dumpster fire. A literal one.
That commercial is so dead-on – a murder hornet pic is “2020’s” Match avatar – I hesitate to make my yearly predictions. If 2020 taught me anything, it’s that prognosticating 2021 has to be fraught with land mines.
Or… completely freeing. Because I can throw out any insane forecast and if anybody calls me out, I’ll just hit ’em with this: “Oh yeah?! Well… 2020!”
So, throwing caution to the wind, here are my 2021 predictions:
-> Arizona Republican Party Chair Kelli Ward will set her ego aside for the good of her party’s future and admit that Joe Biden actually did win Arizona, fair and square. (I thought I’d throw my most outrageous prediction on the table first.)
-> Republican Governor Doug Ducey will manage to make someone happy in 2021. A lot of Arizonans hated that he didn’t employ more severe coronavirus restrictions – but Republicans can, and will, eventually forgive him for the economy-wrecking ones he did deploy. (Notable exception: Ward)
-> The Arizona Coyotes will make it through an entire year without an ownership or management change. (Notice I didn’t say they’d make the playoffs — because even I’m not that crazy.)
-> In a strange twist, the Arizona-Mexico border will miraculously be problem-free when Joe Biden forgets we have a border – along with his car keys.
-> With the median income for Arizona public school teachers now at more than $58,000 (salary.com) and Arizona’s largest tax increase, ever, coming online (with nearly $1 billion per year primarily funding public school salaries), the head of the Arizona Education Association, Joe Thomas, will admit that making almost double Arizona’s per capita income ($29,265) is a livable wage for teachers.
-> Phoenix’s mayor and city council majority will tout themselves as members of the “party of science” (i.e. Democrats) and therefore allow kids to play sports on the city’s (currently shuttered) ball fields because science shows the safest place from COVID is outdoors and 5- to 17-year-olds account for less than 0.04% of America’s COVID deaths.
I know this is all outrageous stuff – but 2020 will keep us expecting crazier craziness for a long time. Let’s just hope Satan didn’t marry that cute “little number” he met on Match – and that 2021 isn’t their spawn.