Two years ago, I broke a resolution never to write another column titled “New Year’s Resolutions for Other People.” I would’ve had more shame about the whole situation if: A) my editor hadn’t been so enabling that he actually encouraged it, and B) laziness wasn’t my dominant character defect. Sloth manages to blot out all the other deadly sins, including the deadliest: pride.
But since we successfully paused the concept last January, I feel perfectly justified in dusting it off, applying a light coat of polish and once again starting 2025 with no mention of what I need to change. So, let’s crank it up – and crank out another edition of “New Year’s Resolutions for Other People.”
Resolution No. 1: Democrats need to stop trying to convince themselves that they can “flip Arizona blue” after getting beaten black-and-blue last November, led by David Schweikert’s and Juan Ciscomani’s congressional wins and Republicans actually making gains in both chambers in the Arizona Legislature. The only major victory for the Dems was Ruben Gallego winning the U.S. Senate race – and that can largely be pinned on the fact that he was running against a Republican who is such a flawed candidate that they’re the subject of our next resolution.
Resolution No. 2: Republicans need to do more than make a resolution – they need to take several blood oaths and make multiple pinky swears per day that they will never, ever, no matter what happens, let Kari Lake run for public office again. They must focus their efforts on making sure that her name never appears on a ballot in Arizona for anything. Not state mine inspector, not La Paz County assessor – not even Tombstone High School Student Council Secretary.
Resolution No. 3: Summer needs to resolve to get its act together and get the hell outta Phoenix at the appropriate time – like when the calendar says it’s not summer anymore. Instead, this year, it hung around like a stalker ex-boyfriend when Phoenix experienced its first-ever 110-degree day in October. And then we went on to have three more 110-degree days that month. In 2024, Phoenicians felt all too literally like their feathers were on fire, living through 70 days in which the temperature hit 110 or higher (triple the average number of days in a year). Enough already.
Resolution No. 4: Arizona students need to step it up. I’m sick of hearing how Arizona schools are in last place. And what I’m only slightly less sick of hearing are how the typical scapegoats are to blame: It’s the Legislature’s fault for underfunding classrooms and teachers; or some districts’ voluminous layers of school administration are eating up the money; or how Arizona has a teacher-retention problem. Come on, people – let’s place the blame where it firmly belongs: on the kids.
It’s fun and easy blaming kids. I blame my own children for all kinds of things. Like sapping all the fun out of adult life. And robbing me of enough time to come up with a fresh concept for my PHOENIX magazine column.
