And you thought Maybach only made automobiles for Saudi diplomats and spoiled hip-hop heirs. Point of fact: The German manufacturer also offers some of the world's most luxe sunglasses, including these gold-plated Monarch I shades framed with buffalo horn ($1,950). Find them at Paris Optique in the Scottsdale Quarter. 15147 N. Scottsdale Rd., Scottsdale, 480-585-8500, parisoptique.com
Traditional black is better suited to the likes of Seattle or New York City. The Valley's stylish yet casual "Clooney" works it in a charcoal Canali blazer ($1,550), Eton dress shirt ($245) and silk pocket square ($55), courtesy of longtime local men's fashion hub The Clotherie. 2502 E. Camelback Rd., Phoenix, 602-956-8600, theclotherie.com
Arizona Distilling Company's new Copper City Bourbon is the only microdistilled corn-mash spirit in the Valley, and its amber, oak-aged charms will not go unnoticed. Master distiller Jason Grossmiller coaxes strains of vanilla and toasted peach out of the wood, and we're never ordering a Jim Beam again. azdistilling.com
Who doesn't enjoy a cheeky pun in their upscale cuisine? Searsucker's "tongue & cheek 'yes'" ($27) is nothing to laugh at once you bite into Chef Brian Malarkey's meltingly tender head-bit duo. Braised in a sweetened broth and attended by an entourage of pickled cactus, the dish is both whimsically named and seriously delicious. 6900 E. Camelback Rd., Scottsdale, 480-664-3777, searsucker.com
From blue chip Swiss watchmaker Ulysse Nardin comes the self-winding Marine Chronometer Manufacture. Only 350 of these gold-encased beauties were unleashed on the public, and this one ($35,300) found its way to legendary Valley jeweler E.D. Marshall. It's like wearing a Porsche on your wrist. 10261 N. Scottsdale Rd., Scottsdale, 480-922-1968, edmarshalljewelers.com
The Eco Car
Though hardly a tree-hugger, the Clooney respects the principles of environmentalism and sustainability. What he doesn't respect: speed limits. With an all-electric power train and scorching 0-to-60 sprint time of 3.7 seconds, the Tesla Roadster fits like a carbon-fiber glove. And the base price – while out of reach for most non-A-listers at $109,000 – is hardly Lamborghinian. Visit the Tesla brand shop at Scottsdale Fashion Square for more information. teslamotors.com
Jill has got your back. Like, literally. The licensed aesthetician at Joya Spa in the Montelucia Resort & Spa offers a man-centric "back facial" treatment ($149-$179) focused solely on that hard-to-reach stretch of epidermal real estate behind and below your shoulders. She exfoliates. She moisturizes. She, ahem, "extracts." All with a touch so skilled and knowing, it feels like tiny angels squeezing and sanitizing your pores. 4949 E. Lincoln Dr., Paradise Valley, 480-627-3020, montelucia.com
Timothy Torres is finicky about his tobacco. "I don't touch it unless it's been aged at least 15 years," says the 25th-generation cigar-roller, or torcedor. Out of his Old Town Scottsdale cigar shop – somewhat mystifyingly named Rich's Cigars – Torres happily plies his ancestral trade, patiently mummifying cave-aged leaf while selling tubular bliss ($15 and up) to walk-ups and old clients alike. 4419 N. Scottsdale Rd., Scottsdale, 480-556-1755, richscigars.com
The Clooney Calendar
Scottsdale Polo Championships: Two days of mallet-swinging, hoof-stomping polo action – plus people-watching of the highest quality. November 1-2. thepoloparty.com
La Bohème at the Arizona Opera: The "Clooney" doesn't always go to musical theater, but when he does, he prefers the opera... with a tall brunette in tow. January 24-26, 2014. azopera.org
Devoured: Unimpressed by out-of-town celebrity chefs and boozy party scenes, our man prefers the end-user simplicity of this annual culinary showcase at the Phoenix Art Museum. March 1-2, 2014. devouredphoenix.com
Works hard, plays harder. Scottsdale regular. Can squat 400, and not bad with the dead lift, either. Has flashed six-pack abs in public, but only ironically. Once-a-year splurge: bottle service.
The Lad looks bro-splendent in a Robert Graham "Gainer" button-down with paisley reverse-cuffs. $178. Provided by Scottsdale Jean Company. 8787 N. Scottsdale Rd., Scottsdale, 480-905-9300, scottsdalejc.com
The Man Spa
Owner-aesthetician Stacey Grondahl promises "a seriously happy ending" at Simplicity Simple Skin Care, but don't get any funny ideas – her idea of a satisfying denouement is strictly about Omega-6 fatty acids and skin renewal. Located mere steps from Spanish Fly Mexican Beach Club on the backside of the Scottsdale party strip, Grondahl's male-oriented health boutique is all about irreverent double entendres and a raucous vibe, with reasonably priced services like the Quickie facial ($19) and Tequila Shooter blue agave renewal package ($29). In the latter, she will also whip out her "big green balls" – two refrigerated, muscle-calming glass orbs that she purposefully rubs on your forehead, jaw and cheeks. Just go with it, bro. 4375 N. 75th St., Scottsdale, 480-686-8583, simplicitysimpleskincare.com
The Day Pool Duds
Looking to hit a day pool? You'll blend right in with the local fauna in a trendy flamingo-fuchsia tank top ($22.50), rainbow board shorts ($59.50) and flip-flops with Nike Free technology ($60), all by Hurley Apparel. Find them at Buckle at Scottsdale Fashion Square. 7014 E. Camelback Rd., Scottsdale, 480-947-4782, buckle.com
The Statement Watch
The wedding-white Nixon 51-30 Tide stainless steel diving watch (opposite page) is water-resistant to 300 meters, which is deeper than any day-party splash pond we've ever heard of – i.e. it should be able to handle the pool at Spanish Fly Mexican Beach Club. Provided by Buckle at Scottsdale Fashion Square. $550. 7014 E. Camelback Rd., Scottsdale, 480-947-4782, buckle.com
The Martini Maker
Scottsdale-based Vektor Vodka is more than a top-shelf tipple with a pelt-smooth finish gleaned from Russian winter wheat and Old World distilling techniques – it's eye candy, baby. Just look at that bottle. Now imagine the admiring looks it will get while you pour cucumber martinis for the skulk of paralegals you met at El Hefe taqueria. vektorvodka.com
The Holy Days
Scottsdale Culinary Festival: Head straight for the Skyy Vodka tent, a see-and-be-seen bacchanal that ranks among the Valley's most dependably exultant parties. The 2014 fest runs April 8-13. scottsdalefest.org
Fridays at American Junkie: In lieu of an Electric Daisy-style music festival, Valley gyration fanatics have American Junkie in Old Town. Blazing with hotties and brain-liquifying dubstep, it's a sensual meteor shower every weekend. americanjunkieaz.com
Mad Mud Run: Oh you dirty, dirty lad. Put that sub-5-percent body fat index to work at this filthy-fun footrace held at MacDonald's Ranch in Scottsdale. The best part: When you peel off your shirt, security won't hassle you. November 23. madmudrun.com
Homeowner. Grill master. Armchair quarterback. No-nonsense guy. Trying to work off those last few pounds. Likes to hit the links from time to time, i.e. weekly. Worries he might be getting too old for his fantasy league.
The Golf Clubs
Why pay upwards of $4,000 for a new set of sticks when Valley golf guru Gary Balliet can make you 13 customized clubs for less than $500? Fabricated overseas and shipped to Arizona, Balliet's bespoke woods and irons are the sporting equivalent of a custom-tailored Asian suit – no brand-name labels, but a steal at the price. arizonacustomgolfclubs.net
The Golf Ensemble
Put some schwing in your swing with this ensemble by Ping (left). Patterned golf polo ($59); gray flat-front fairway pants with contrast stitch ($59); Nike reversible black-and-white belt ($43). Available at Van's Golf Shop, the Arizona-based outfitter celebrating 50 years of Valley service. Seven locations. worldwidegolfshops.com
The Everyday Apparel
Think Tommy Bahama only makes tent-like Hawaiian-print shirts for your dad? Think again. Bring some beachy chill to the Arizona desert with these next-generation Bahama shirts (left to right): the Party Breezer, Paradise Tech polo, and Paradise Tech pullover. Top off your shopping with island-inspired eats at Tommy Bahama's Restaurant, Bar & Store at Kierland Commons. 15205 N. Kierland Blvd., Scottsdale, 480-505-3668, tommybahama.com
The Haircut and the Beer
"$20 haircut, $2 beer," promise the folks at minibar.ber.shop. At those prices, we'll take two of each. Locations at Scottsdale Quarter and Arcadia in Phoenix. minibarbershop.com
The Weekend Getaway
Secreted deep in the White Mountains, Hidden Meadow Ranch doesn't cotton to slackers. Owners Tim and Casey Bolinger offer a dizzying menu of boredom-beating sports and activities, including fishing, archery and nature hikes, plus monthly wine-maker dinners and gourmet meals befitting its "luxury lodge" tagline. Cabins start at $565 a night. hiddenmeadow.com
Advocare 500: Everyman is maybe a NASCAR dad, maybe not. Either way, this late-season Sprint Cup event at Phoenix International Raceway in Avondale will make for a good show. November 7-10. phoenixinternationalraceway.com
Arizona BBQ Festival: Founded in 2010, this low-and-slow honky tonk was such an immediate sensation, many first-year attendees went away hungry. That's no longer the case. Dates to be announced. Salt River Fields at Talking Stick. azbbqfestival.com
ATV Outlaw Jamboree: Dust off your four-wheeler and head up to the White Mountains for some mud-splattering off-road action. Attractions include fireworks, rodeo events and a parade through downtown Eagar. September 3-7. apachecountyatvroughriders.org
Runner. Biker. Endurance athlete. First date usually involves a hike. Considers any day in which he breaks a sweat a good day. Owns two neckties. Knows a little jiu-jitsu. Eats fish, so can't really be considered a vegetarian.
Attack the trail with help from locally owned Arizona Hiking Shack in Phoenix. Lightweight, Gore-Tex-lined Kailash hiking boots by Scarpa ($209); abrasion-resistant outdoor heavy pants by Kühl Rydr ($75); and Mountain Hardwear Canyon outdoor wrinkle-resistant shirt ($55). 3244 E. Thomas Rd., Phoenix, 602-944-7723, hikingshack.com
Extend your excursion with the Deuter ACT ultra light technical day pack, perfect for long day-hikes or short overnight affairs ($169). 3244 E. Thomas Rd., Phoenix, 602-944-7723, hikingshack.com
The Primal Workout
The Outdoorsman doesn't always work out in gyms, but when he does, he prefers the tire-hefting, heavy-bag-busting, handstand-ripping muscle confusion of Amenzone Fitness. Founded by Belgian ex-rugby player Amen Iseghohi, the Valley-based fitness empire now has three locations. Packages start at $125 per month. amenzone.com
The Vegetarian Fare
Homegrown Mediterranean cuisine chain Pita Jungle is any Valley veg-head's best friend. Though jammed with plenty of carnivore-friendly offerings, the menu pays special care to non-meat-eaters with hearty post-workout pleasers like the fall-apart-awesome Chipotle Black Bean Burger ($7.50). pitajungle.com
Done in sexy matte gunmetal gray, these Dylan Precision Greasewood shades are all the jewelry a body-brutalizing outdoorsman needs. $280. Find them at Paris Optique in Scottsdale Quarter. 15147 N. Scottsdale Rd., 480-585-8500, parisoptique.com
The Hiking Guide
Arizona's high country is so replete with great hikes, it pays to bring a guide. Or a guidebook. Beloved for its charming, easy-to-grasp illustrations and practical insider tips, Favorite Hikes Sedona and Flagstaff by Cosmic Ray is a favorite of expert and amateur alike. Available at Amazon.com or virtually any convenience store in Yavapai County.
The Post-Ride Tipple
With a pleasant rear patio that grinds up against the Arizona Canal like an extra in Dirty Dancing, OHSO Eatery + Nanobrewery is an ideal spot to begin – and end – a 50-mile cross-town bike ride. Just glide off the trail, hang your helmet on a coat hook, clip-clop over to a table in your cycling shoes and suck down a well-deserved Orange Pale Ale ($5). 4900 E. Indian School Rd., Phoenix, 602-955-0358, ohsobrewery.com
The Backpackable Snack
Golfers from Verrado to Las Sendas whisper the awe-struck praises of Mirabel Golf Club's housemade beef jerky – and it's perfect for hikers, too. Chef Josh Fuehr bathes strips of flank steak in a soy-sugar marinade, sticks the meat in a dehydrator, mumbles a few lines of black magic and – voila! – you're snacking on the sweetest, most tenderly toothsome jerky in the Valley. 37100 N. Mirabel Club Dr., Scottsdale, 480-437-1500, mirabel.com
Life Time Tri Tempe: It's not Ironman, but this event – offering sprint, international, paratriathlete and relay waves – holds special distinction: It's the Valley's first triathlon of autumn. Hoo-ah. September 22 at Tempe Beach Park. aztriseries.com
McDowell Mountain Music Festival: Sporto likes his music festivals a little crunchy, and with past acts like The Roots, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, and Yonder Mountain String Band, this jam-centric musical confab delivers. March 28-30, 2014. mmmf.com
2nd Annual Great Crush Festival: Featuring barefoot grape-crushing, this Santa Cruz County wine-and-beer festival gives participants the chance to burn some calories while they get a buzz. September 7. azhopsandvines.com
Provider. Family man. Music fan. Kid at heart. Perfected the blazer and rock T-shirt look before the birth of his first child. Could buy a nicer car, but chooses not to. Has toyed around with writing an iPhone app. Can recommend an excellent local craft beer or two. Likes the idea that Paul Rudd could play him in a movie.
HD is ready to ride with this stylishly distressed Nudie denim jacket ($365) over a Diesel hoodie ($112). Jeans with patterned cuffs by Naked and Famous ($148). Boots by J Shoes ($275). Clothes courtesy of locally owned shop Hub (7014 E. Camelback Rd., Scottsdale, 480-970-0707, hubclothing.com).
The Retro Bike
Pashley and Moulton hand-built British bicycles let emission-averse fellows get around in style. Find these lovely machines at British Bicycle Company, located in Union Biltmore, a colony of locally owned boutiques at Biltmore Fashion Park. 2502 E. Camelback Rd., Phoenix, 623-282-2748, shopbiltmore.com
Get hip to local threads at Bunky Boutique, which offers the Loyal to the Soil AZ Love Tee in vintage royal blue ($36) and Loyal to the Soil "phx" baseball cap ($32). Button-up from Phoenix designer Soldier Leisure, and Heavens to Betsy key brass necklace also available at Bunky. 1437 N. First St., Phoenix, 602-252-1323, bunkyboutique.com
The Vintage Boots
March on the establishment with these vintage, handmade Corcoran combat boots ($65). Courtesy of Black N Blue Vintage. 906 N. Fifth Ave., Phoenix, 602-354-4364, facebook.com/blacknbluevintage
The Weekend Getaway
The pickaxes of Bisbee fell silent decades ago, but the place is still swinging – now as a thriving art colony and counterculture getaway. Bisbee's excellent art galleries and curio shops are a matter of longstanding record, but its growing dining and entertainment scene will come as a pleasant shock to most Valleyites. Check out Screaming Banshee Pizza, an artisanal pie joint with a big-city-caliber cocktail program. screamingbansheepizza.net
The Shave and the Tattoo
What makes a thirtysomething hipster's heart go pitter-patter? How about a classic, barbershop-style haircut followed by a complimentary straight-razor clean up or hot-towel shave? That's the way they roll at Electric Haven, a dual-service barbershop and tattoo parlor in Tempe. Perfect if you want to chase your cut with a little ink. 3402 S. McClintock Dr., Tempe, 480-456-8690, electrichaventattoo.com
The Hair Product
Whether you favor the traditional high-and-tight cut, a psychobilly mini-pompadour or a Mad Men slick-back, you'll need a nice pomade to discipline that coif. For that O Brother, Where Art Thou? look, try High Life Pomade from Valley entrepreneur Adam Dorsett. Available in five styles, including vanilla-scented Voodoo II. highlifepomade.com
Pig & Pickle chef-owners Keenan Bosworth and Joshua Riesner want to pop your "foie gras cherry." That, at least, was the original impetus behind the duo's Duck Egg Foie Gras Burger ($24) at their south Scottsdale gastropub. Designed to introduce tyro-foodies to the buttery delights of engorged goose liver, this umami-drenched belt-buster – served on a house-made English muffin – straddles two worlds. Just like Dad. 2922 N. Hayden Rd., Scottsdale, 480-990-1407, pigandpickle.com
The Casual Wear
From Hub, the retailer that introduced the Valley to brands such as G-Star and Nudie, comes this Diesel long sleeve linen sweater ($152); Diesel "Safado" jeans ($198); and sneakers by TOMS ($64). 7014 E. Camelback Rd., Scottsdale, 480-970-0707, hubclothing.com
The Kid-Friendly Hangs
Children's Museum of Phoenix: From art studio classes to weekend math programs designed for preverbal infants and toddlers, this highly interactive learning facility is like a jungle gym for your kid's brain. 215 N. Seventh St., Phoenix, 602-253-0501, childrensmuseumofphoenix.org
Phoenix Public Market Café: Call him "Uncle Chamberlin." Having offered free meals to kids at his uptown dining haunt St. Francis, owner Aaron Chamberlin turned this former organic market into one of the Valley's most kid-friendly eateries. You'll love the picnic table seating almost as much as the $5 craft beer pitchers. 14 E. Pierce St., Phoenix, 602-254-1799, phoenixpublicmarket.com
Civic Space Park: Known for the odd, funnel-like installation that hovers over First Avenue like a giant elastic portal ("Her Secret Is Patience," by Janet Echelman), this hip Downtown park is often overlooked for its kid-friendly amenities like splash pads, weekly lunchtime concerts and nighttime arts events, starting in the fall. phoenix.gov/parks/parks/csconcerts.html
ESSENTIAL AZ CLOTHING
What five pieces of indispensable clothing should every Valley man have in his closet? Phoenix fashion maven Oscar De Las Salas shares his sartorial wisdom.
1 A light cotton or linen vest. "When it's hot out and you don't want to wear a coat because it's too heavy, this is a way you can still look serious and businesslike," De Las Salas says. Suggested stores: Amir's La Voute, J. Crew
2 Cuff-up dress shirt. "You want a nice shirt with a button holder to keep your sleeves up. It's a good look, a European look." Suggested stores: Ted Baker, Barney's
Bonus: It won't be summer forever. De Las Salas keeps this Zegna three-button navy light wool suit in his closet for "happy hour with the babes... or someone's home for dinner or cocktail hour. Just don't wear it to clubs. Some girl will spill cranberry juice on it."
3 Non-pleated shorts. "A pleat is a concealing feature. People like to see muscles. Show off the gym time." Suggested stores: Brooks
Brothers, Banana Republic
4 High-end sandals. "Not the kind of flip-flops you'd wear to a D-backs game. Nice ones. Arizona-resort style." Suggested store: Zara (opens in Scottsdale Fashion Square in fall)
5 Linen coat or suit. If nothing but a coat will do, at least make sure it breathes.
Suggested store: The Clotherie
Photography by Carrie Evans • Hair and Makeup by Jamie Kouri • Models provided by The Agency Arizona & Ford Robert Black Agency
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